How to write a eulogy: step-by-step guide, templates & emotional support

If you are here because you need to figure out how to write a eulogy, I want to start with something simple and true: this is hard, and it is hard for a reason. You are trying to put a whole person into a few minutes of words while your heart is already carrying more than usual. If you feel stuck, scattered, numb, or overwhelmed, that is not a sign you are doing it wrong. It is simply grief.

A eulogy is not a performance, a biography, or a test of composure. It is a living gift to the person who died and to everyone who loved them. It serves to remind a room full of people that this person mattered, that their life had texture, and that we were changed by them.

This guide is here to walk beside you with structure, practical steps, templates you can copy, and emotional support for the day you deliver it. You do not have to do this alone. Whether you are writing from a place of deep sorrow or quiet reflection, having a clear path can make the journey manageable. We will also explore how supportive technology can help when you have memories and love, but your mind cannot find the sentences. With the right prompts, a clear structure, and a little help shaping your thoughts, you can create a eulogy that feels dignified, honest, and deeply personal.

Quick checklist: what to do first

When grief is loud, starting small is not settling. It is smart. Before you try to write a single paragraph, do these low-pressure steps to ground yourself.

1. Confirm the logistics

Reach out to the funeral director, officiant, or family coordinator to get the boundaries of the speech. You need to know how long the eulogy should be. Most services prefer three to five minutes, but this can vary. Ask where it happens in the service and if there will be a microphone. Finally, clarify if the tone is formal, faith-based, or more of a celebration of life.

2. Decide your "north star" in one sentence

Finish this sentence privately: "I want people to leave remembering that they were _____."
Examples might include "steadfast," "the one who made you feel safe," "joyfully stubborn," or "quietly generous." This one sentence will guide you whenever you feel lost in the writing process.

3. Collect memories without writing prose yet

Open a notes app or grab a piece of paper and make three lists. First, list moments or scenes you can picture, like a holiday, a car ride, or a specific habit. Second, list sayings, phrases they always said, jokes, advice, or nicknames. Third, list qualities, aiming for five to ten traits people would agree on.

4. Ask for stories, not opinions

Text two or three people and ask: "What is one moment you will never forget about them?" This usually yields a vivid story instead of a vague description. You do not have to carry the burden of being the sole historian.

5. If your brain feels blank, warm it up

A short reading session can gently kickstart language and momentum, especially if grief has you foggy. Sometimes, reading about overcoming writer's block can help you start without forcing perfection.

Eulogy structure (Intro, Heart, Close) + time/word guidance

Most people get stuck because they think a eulogy must be original. In reality, a eulogy works best when it follows a familiar arc. Structure creates safety for you and clarity for the room. A simple, reliable framework consists of an introduction, the heart of the story, and a closing.

The Introduction: Welcoming the guests

In the introduction, you are not trying to say everything. You are helping everyone arrive together. You should state your name and your relationship to the person who died. Offer a brief thank you to attendees, both those in person and those joining online. Then, provide one sentence about what you hope your words will do today.

Example opening:
"Hello everyone. My name is Jordan, and I am Sam's niece. Thank you for being here to honor him. Today I want to share a few stories that show who Sam was to us, not just what he did, but how he made people feel."

If the service is faith-based, you can acknowledge that tone gently by saying, "We gather today in grief, and also in gratitude for a life we believe continues in God's care."

The Heart: Stories, qualities, and memories

This is where your eulogy becomes real. Aim for two to three core qualities, each supported by a short story. A helpful pattern is to name a quality, show it through a specific scene, and reflect on what it meant to you or others.

Instead of saying "She was kind," try saying, "When my car broke down in the rain, she didn't ask what happened first. She asked if I had eaten."

You can also choose a theme that ties everything together. Perhaps he was a builder of furniture, relationships, or community. Maybe she was a steady presence. Maybe they made ordinary days feel like something to celebrate.

Practical "show, don't tell" list:

• What they always carried, like mints, tissues, or a pocketknife.
• The sound of their laugh.
• The way they treated waitstaff.
• Their ritual routines, such as coffee, walks, music, or prayers.
• The thing they never missed, be it birthdays, Sunday calls, or grandkids' games.

This section is also where gentle humor can belong, if it truly matches them. The goal is not to lighten the room at all costs but to tell the truth about the person. A warm, knowing smile in a sad room can be a form of love.

The Close: Saying farewell

The close should feel like a hand on the shoulder, not a sudden stop. It typically includes a brief summary of their legacy in one or two sentences, gratitude for their life and the community present, comfort offered to the family and mourners, and a farewell line, blessing, quote, or direct address.

Example closing:
"Sam taught us that showing up matters. Not in grand gestures, but in steady ones. We will miss his voice, his patience, and his quiet humor. Sam, thank you for the way you loved us. Rest easy."

How long should a eulogy be?

A common sweet spot is three to five minutes, which often lands around 450 to 800 words depending on pace. Many people speak more slowly when emotional, so a shorter word count can be kinder to your future self.

A practical benchmark:

• 3 minutes: 400 to 500 words
• 5 minutes: 650 to 850 words
• 8 minutes: 1,050 to 1,300 words

If you are unsure what your venue prefers, FuneralPartners offers a clear step-by-step guide to eulogy structure, delivery tips, and logistical considerations such as audience, timing, and tone.

Writing tips & prompts (questions to ask loved ones)

When people search for eulogy examples, what they often want is permission to write something simple. You do not need poetic language. You need honest language. Here are practical tips that consistently make eulogies feel personal and grounded.

Tip 1: Write like you speak, then tidy it up

If you try to sound formal, you may end up sounding unlike yourself. Start by writing as if you are speaking to someone you trust. After you have a draft, you can smooth the sentences. A helpful trick is to let the first draft be messy and conversational. In the second draft, shorten and clarify. In the third draft, add pauses and remove anything you do not want to say out loud.

Tip 2: Choose your "three anchors"

Your anchors are the three things you will return to if your mind goes blank: the person's defining quality, one story that captures them, and your closing line. If you can remember those, you can recover even if emotion interrupts you.

Tip 3: Ask loved ones questions that unlock scenes

Instead of asking people to tell you about the deceased, try questions that invite specifics. Ask what their favorite memory is. Ask about their everyday routine. Ask what their favorite saying, catchphrase, or joke was. Ask what made them laugh the hardest. Ask about their most underrated talent. Ask when they showed up in a way that was never forgotten. Ask what one lesson they taught without trying to teach it. Ask what they loved in a very particular way, whether it was music, gardening, people-watching, animals, or cooking. Ask what they did that drove everyone a little crazy but now feels strangely precious. Then listen for details you can see. Those details become the most memorable parts of a eulogy.

Tip 4: Keep the tone truthful, not balanced

People often ask how to balance sadness and celebration. The truth is you do not have to engineer the perfect mix. If the person was light and funny, that will naturally show. If the loss is heavy, that will show too. Both can belong in the same speech. A gentle rule is that humor should be affectionate, not embarrassing. Humor should reveal character, not distract from grief. If you are unsure whether a joke is appropriate, leave it out.

Tip 5: Let AI help with structure, not replace your voice

When you are grieving, organizing thoughts can feel like trying to fold a fitted sheet in the dark. This is where a tool can help, especially if you are carrying logistics, family dynamics, and emotional fatigue. Using a eulogy generator can help you weave fragments into a clear beginning, middle, and ending, so you are not staring at a blank page. You stay in control, and you can edit until it sounds like you.

Examples & downloadable templates (3, 5, 8 minute)

Below are fill-in-the-blank templates you can copy into your notes app. They are intentionally simple. Your job is not to impress. Your job is to honor.

3 minute eulogy template (short and steady)

Approx. 400 to 500 words

1. Opening
   "Hello everyone. My name is [Name], and I am [relationship] to [Name of deceased]. Thank you for being here today to honor [him/her/them]."
2. One quality + one story
   "If I had to describe [Name] in one word, it would be [quality]. I saw that in the way [short, specific story in 3 to 6 sentences]."
3. What they loved
   "[Name] loved [two or three specifics: people, places, routines, hobbies]. If you knew [him/her/them], you probably remember [small habit or saying]."
4. What they gave
   "[Name] gave people [a feeling, a kind of support, a sense of home]. I think many of us are here because we felt that."
5. Closing
   "To [family/partner/children], thank you for sharing [Name] with us. [Name], thank you for [what you are grateful for]. We will carry you with us. [Farewell line, blessing, or brief quote]."

5 minute eulogy template (life story, still focused)

Approx. 650 to 850 words

1. Opening and role
   "Hello everyone. I am [Name], [relationship]. It means a lot to be here with you as we remember [Name of deceased]."
2. Set the tone
   "Today I want to share a few stories that capture [Name] as we knew [him/her/them]: [two or three qualities]."
3. A short life arc (light touch)
   "[Name] was born in [place], and grew up [one line about childhood or early influence]. Later, [one line about work, family, or community]."
4. Theme or qualities with stories
   "One thing about [Name] was [quality #1]. [Story.]
   Another was [quality #2]. [Story.]
   And if you knew [Name], you know [quality #3]. [Story or vivid detail.]"
5. What people might not know
   "What some people may not have seen was [private kindness, behind-the-scenes support, small ritual]."
6. Legacy
   "Because of [Name], we are [how people are changed, what continues]."
7. Closing
   "To those closest to [Name], we are holding you in love. [Name], we miss you. Thank you for [specific gratitude]. [Farewell]."

8 minute eulogy template (deep dive, best for close family or shared speaking)

Approx. 1,050 to 1,300 words

This length can work well when the service is primarily a celebration of life, multiple people contributed stories, or the officiant confirmed extra time.

1. Opening and acknowledgement
   "Hello everyone. I am [Name], and I am [relationship]. Thank you for being here, and for the love you have shown our family."
2. Frame the eulogy
   "I cannot tell every story, but I can share a few that reveal [Name]'s heart."
3. Chapters or themes
   You can organize the heart in chapters, for example: "The caregiver," "The storyteller," "The quiet hero," or "The one who made every room warmer." For each chapter, include one sentence naming the chapter, one story, and one reflection on what it taught or meant.
4. Messages from others
   "I asked a few people what they will always remember, and they said..." Include three to five short lines, each attributed generally, like "a friend," "a grandchild," or "a colleague," to keep privacy and flow.
5. Closing ritual
   End with a direct address, a blessing or prayer, or an invitation to remember via a moment of silence or a shared phrase.

If you are considering eight minutes because you feel pressure to cover it all, it may help to share the burden with someone else. Two shorter voices often land more gently than one long one.

Emotional prep & delivery what to do if you cry

You are allowed to be human at a funeral. Crying is not failure. It is love showing up in your body. Most people in the room will feel relief when they see emotion because it makes the service real. The goal is not to hold it together. The goal is to speak with sincerity.

Practical delivery tips that actually help

Print your speech in a large font, such as 14 to 16 point, with double spacing. Add pause marks where you know emotion may rise. Highlight the first line of each paragraph so you can find your place quickly. Bring water and take a sip before you start and at transitions. Slow down more than you think you need to. Keep tissues in a pocket, not buried in a bag.

The backup plan that reduces anxiety immediately

Choose someone you trust and ask them in advance if they will step in and read the rest if you cannot finish. Just knowing there is a plan B can make plan A possible.

If you cry mid-sentence

Try this sequence: stop and breathe once, sip water, look at a friendly face or look just above the audience, and continue with the next sentence, not the one you were on. You are not obligated to apologize. A simple "Thank you for your patience" is enough, or nothing at all. If grief feels especially intense during the funeral week, you may appreciate gentle grounding strategies like sleep, food reminders, and social support planning found in resources on coping with loss.

Cultural/faith variations and virtual funerals

There is no single right eulogy. The shape of your words can, and should, reflect the person's culture, community, and beliefs.

Religious vs. secular services

Faith-based services often include references to scripture, prayer, God, or an afterlife, a tone of hope and spiritual comfort, and a focus on community and ritual. Secular or humanist services often include personal stories as the primary text, reflections on values, character, relationships, and impact, as well as music, readings, and open sharing. If you are unsure, ask the officiant what is customary in that setting. You can also write a eulogy that is faith-neutral while still deeply meaningful by focusing on gratitude, love, and legacy.

Cultural considerations that matter

Different cultures may have expectations about who speaks, how directly emotion is expressed, whether humor is welcome, and whether the focus is on achievements, family roles, or spiritual life. A respectful approach is to ask what would feel honoring in that community and what the deceased would have wanted.

Virtual funerals and livestreams

Speaking to a camera can feel strangely lonely. To help, place a photo of your loved one near the camera so your gaze feels anchored. Use a wired microphone or earbuds if possible to reduce audio issues. Put notes at eye level to avoid looking down constantly. Speak slightly slower than usual because livestream audio can lag. Practice once on the same platform to check lighting and sound. Personalization is becoming more common across funeral formats, including virtual services. This aligns with The National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA) notes a growing trend towards personalized services, reflecting a desire to truly celebrate individual lives.

What research says about funerals and grief

When you are in acute grief, writing a eulogy can feel like one more impossible task. It can help to know that, for many people, the act of participating in ritual is not just tradition. It can be psychologically supportive.

A key insight from research is that funerals tend to be experienced as more helpful when mourners have a sense of agency and social support. A systematic mixed-methods review by Burrell & Selman (2020) highlighted that while quantitative findings on funeral practices and mental health are mixed, qualitative evidence consistently shows that funerals and rituals are helpful when mourners can shape them and receive social support. In other words, it is not about producing the perfect ceremony. It is about making space for meaning, connection, and expression.

A eulogy can be one of the most direct ways to shape that meaning. When you choose stories, name values, and speak a person's qualities out loud, you are doing something grief often needs: acknowledging reality and remembering relationship at the same time. This is also why personalization matters so much. The goal is not generic comfort. The goal is recognizable truth. The small details, the real phrases, the ordinary moments, those are what make a room quietly nod and think, "Yes. That was them."

How ToastPal helps you write a dignified, heartfelt eulogy

Grief can scramble language. Even people who normally write well can feel like their brain has turned into static. ToastPal was built to meet that exact moment with gentleness and structure.

You start with prompts, not a blank page

ToastPal guides you through simple questions regarding your relationship, the tone you want, key memories, and the traits you want to highlight. That matters because grief often makes open-ended tasks feel impossible. Prompts make it smaller.

The AI turns fragments into a readable first draft

Many people have pieces, such as a sentence they remember, a story they can describe in messy bullet points, or feelings they cannot organize. ToastPal's AI can take those pieces and shape them into a clear structure with an introduction, heart, and closing. This is not about making your words artificial. It is about giving your love a container.

You keep full control of voice and privacy

A eulogy should sound like you. ToastPal drafts can be edited, refined, shortened, or softened until they feel authentic. You can also choose how formal or conversational it reads, and you can remove anything that feels too personal to share publicly.

It saves time and emotional energy

During loss, decision fatigue is real. Anything that reduces the workload without reducing the meaning is valuable. When the structure is handled, you can spend your energy on what matters: choosing the stories and practicing delivery.

It supports confidence for the day of the service

When your speech is organized and timed, you can walk up knowing you have a path to follow. That sense of readiness is not a small thing when emotions are unpredictable.

FAQs

How do you start a eulogy?

Start with three simple pieces: your name, your relationship, and gratitude for the room. Then add one sentence about what you hope to share. A reliable opening formula is: "Hello, I'm [Name], [relationship]. Thank you for being here. I want to share a few memories that show who [Name] was and what they meant to us." If you are nervous, memorize only the first two sentences. Once you begin, it often gets easier.

Is it okay to use humor in a eulogy?

Yes, if it is respectful and true to the person. Gentle humor can create warmth and even comfort. Keep it affectionate, not shocking. Avoid jokes that embarrass the family, reveal private conflicts, or require too much context to understand. A good test is to ask if the person would smile at this, and if the closest mourners would feel cared for by it.

Can I decline giving a eulogy?

Yes. You are allowed to say no. Grief is not a moral obligation to perform. If the idea feels unbearable, consider alternatives such as writing a short note to be read by someone else, sharing a single memory at a reception instead of the service, collaborating on a eulogy with another person, or contributing stories for someone else to include. If you decline, a simple response is enough: "I'm honored you asked, but I'm not able to do it."

What if I break down while speaking?

Plan for it the way you would plan for rain: it might happen, and you can still get through the day. Practical steps include bringing water and tissues, marking pauses in your script, speaking slower than normal, and arranging a backup reader in advance. If you do cry, pause. Breathe. Continue when you can. Most people in the room will be silently rooting for you.

Can two people deliver a eulogy together?

Yes, and it can be a wonderful option. Tag-teaming can reduce pressure on one person, allow different perspectives, keep the speech within time limits, and create a sense of community and shared love. If you do this, agree on a shared structure and practice transitions like: "And now I'm going to hand it to [Name], who will share a story that captures a different side of them."

How long should a eulogy be?

Most are three to five minutes, often 450 to 800 words depending on pace. If multiple people are speaking, shorter is usually better. If the service is a celebration of life with fewer formal elements, you may have flexibility. When in doubt, ask the officiant for a time limit and respect it.

What should you avoid saying in a eulogy?

Avoid unresolved family conflict or inside arguments, overly graphic details about illness or death, jokes that could humiliate or divide the room, long lists of achievements without meaning, and anything you would not want repeated later. If something is true but not kind or helpful for this setting, it may belong in private grief, not public tribute.

Do I have to include religious content?

No. Include what fits the person and the service. In mixed-belief rooms, many people choose language that is spiritually gentle without being specific, or they choose stories and values as the center of meaning.

What if I did not have a perfect relationship with them?

You can still write an honest, respectful eulogy. Focus on what you appreciated, what you learned, who they were to others, and a memory that is true, even if complicated. You do not need to rewrite history. You can honor a life without pretending everything was easy.

Resources & Further Reading

• How do Funeral Practices Impact Bereaved Relatives' Mental Health, Grief and Bereavement? (PMC)
• NFDA Statistics
• Perspectives on Grief and Loss (American Counseling Association)
• How to Write a Eulogy (Grammarly)
• Guide to Writing a Good Eulogy (FuneralPartners)